September is National Suicide Awareness Month, so here's ten moments I'd have missed

A smile can hide a lot. Me at 15, smiling through the darkest mental place I'd ever been in.

Content Warning: Mention of suicidal ideation. The National Suicide Hotline is 988. You are not alone.

I went through an unspeakably dark period in my early teens. I'd just come out as bisexual, and I was met with terrible backlash from some of those closest to me. I was carrying mental weights no fifteen year old should.

I had a therapist. I had my friends. I got the help I needed. Now I'm nineteen and in a better place than I've ever been. I've found mental stability for nearly four years now, and while I admittedly still struggle with my anxiety, my depression has long remained dormant.

But there was once a time.

A quote from one of my favorite books: "Your now is not your forever." (Turtles All The Way Down by John Green)

While I have long advocated for mental health, I have never spoken publicly about how terrible my depression truly got those couple of years ago. I've long debated opening up about this period, but I decided there's no better time than National Suicide Awareness Month.

I am sharing this post for anyone who has ever struggled with suicidal thoughts. There were so many good, beautiful moments I never could have imagined were waiting down the line. In the darkest of times, I never could have known how bright the light at the end of the tunnel would truly be.

You are not alone. No temporary problem is worth a permanent solution. There are so many wonderful things waiting for you — for all of us.

So: Here are ten moments I'd have missed.

1. Meeting my idol

Me and my favorite person/greatest inspiration.

If you know me, you know how much I adore Sabrina Carpenter. I've been a fan for eleven years now, and you can call it a parasocial relationship, but there is truly no one in the world that makes me happier.

The summer after I came out, Sabrina Carpenter released her fifth album: emails i can't send. The album, which to this day remains my favorite record of all time, came with a few album signings. And so it happened that at Looney Tunes Record Store I got to tell Sabrina (who remembered me because she signed my American Girl doll's foot in my youth...) how much I loved her, and she told me how proud she was of me for coming out.

Plus she held my hand. Best moment ever.

2. My sweet sixteen

   

   Not to brag, but my candle speech for my best friend brought several partygoers to tears.

My sweet sixteen was magical. Themed around Tangled, one of my favorite Disney movies, the party boasted gorgeous themes of gold and purple, and I have never felt more like a princess than in my gorgeous lavender gown.

For all the difficult moments that lay in my rearview, nothing could compete with a night spent singing and dancing with my best friends all the while dressed to the nines. It was a reminder of how loved I was.

3. Performing at All State

Performing at All State on the historical Eastman Stage was a musical highlight.

I was always self-conscious of my voice. (And I still am—I've got a long way to go!) But someone once told me, "Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard." Being selected for the NY All State Choir felt like the culmination of my vocal journey. All my hard work had paid off, and I got to sing a beautiful array of choral arrangements on the stunning Kodak Theatre stage.

"How Do I Love Thee" is still the most beautiful choral song I've ever sung, and I will not accept any criticisms at this time.

4. My first lead role

I performed as Paulette in my high school's production of Legally Blonde.

Quite similarly to the last point (my bad)! But for all the years I'd spent in theatre, finally earning a lead role was one of the most powerful moments of my life. Paulette is quirky, hilarious and unequivocally herself—all things I strive to be each day.

Playing Paulette only fueled my ongoing love for theatre. I am so fortunate for every opportunity to do what I love.

5. Experiencing the Warner Brothers Studio Tour

Ten points to whoever can guess my house in the comments!

I actually first watched the Harry Potter films while I was going through that difficult time. Dumbledore says, "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" and that quote truly embodies the series' role in my life.

My phone case reads "Make the world magic again." I think we can all use a little magic in our lives, and these stories are something I frequently return to whenever I need a little escape. Did I sort of cry when I saw the Hogwarts Castle model? I'll never tell. But five hours of seeing the world of my favorite film franchise come to life is a memory I wouldn't trade for a billion galleons.

6. The Eras Tour

Taylor Swift, I was enchanted to meet you.

The Eras Tour was a defining moment in every young woman's life. An evening of girlhood, belonging and the best music ever. (Plus Phoebe Bridgers and Gracie Abrams were my openers — I kind of won at life.)

Truth be told, I was kind of behind the stage, but I'll take it! I would genuinely sell my soul to scream "All Too Well (10 Minute Version)" at the top of my lungs with 60,000 other people one more time.

7. My brother's wedding

The Glaser family (new and improved).

My brother and sister in law had been together for over a decade when they finally tied the knot. Jacky's been like a sister to me for so many years, and watching her finally gain the official title was so beautiful.

Plus, "Macky" is kind of like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet (without the dying part). They've set the standard incredibly high and I sort of hate them both for it.

8. Traveling to Japan with my best friend

Especially amidst an arduous college audition process, a week in Japan with my best friend was downright cathartic.

The world is our oyster, and it's my intention to see as much of it as I can. I've seen a lot of Europe but terribly little of Asia. Exploring Japan with my best friend was one of the most magical weeks of my life. We got lost thrice and were the bane of our trip leaders' existences. We went to many Disney stores. We had many Japanese KitKats.

Japan does KitKats right. America, take notes.

9. So much theatre.

Did I only go to see Merrily We Roll Along because of Daniel Radcliffe? Yes. Is it now one of my all-time favorite musicals? Also yes.

Nothing makes me happier than a night at the theatre. This summer particularly, I went on a three-month-long theatre bender. I saw eight Broadway shows and five West End productions in London (Rachel Zegler in Evita, I think of you every single day).

I've always loved the beauty of sharing a moment with a thousand other people in a way that no one else will ever experience quite the same. There is absolutely nothing like live theatre, and I am so lucky to have seen so many musicals in my lifetime.

10. Going to college

I'm a sophomore at the University of Miami—and I couldn't be happier!

High school was difficult at times. Sometimes, growing up and going away is exactly what you need. Moving across the country for college wasn't easy—oh, but it was rewarding. Living alone for the first time taught me self-sufficiency. Rather than be confined to the simple but not always conducive friend groups that high school tossed me into, I forged new and beautiful friendships that have in turn led me to prosper in my own skin.

I'm in way too many clubs, and I'm studying my two greatest passions (music and journalism). I've grown so much as a musician, a writer and most importantly: a human being.

It's hard to believe there was a time when I'd look toward my future and see little but a black hole. Now, I see my future as a blank canvas. I see it as mine to create.